Teaching Compliance
How to make it easier for children to co- operate and follow instructions
Practical tips for making it easier for young children to do what we ask them to do.
All children misbehave at times because they are immature by nature.
However, when a child in your family is acting out frequently to the point where their behaviour is emotionally draining and preventing you from being the best version of yourself as a parent, it’s safe to say that there is something deeper going on.
Children chronically misbehave when they feel discouraged.
Intentional misbehaviour achieves something for children. It’s a sign that they don’t believe they can be accepted and belong in useful ways.
Rudolf Dreikurs, a prominent psychiatrist, classified children’s misbehaviour into four broad categories based on four possible outcomes that each type aims to achieve. He called these categories “the goals of misbehaviour”.1
Understanding why a child is acting up is useful. It is the first step for us as parents and educators to support them by helping them reach the goal that they’re trying to achieve in more constructive ways.
You can ask yourself two questions to help discover the goal (or hidden motivation) behind your child’s misbehaviour.
First, ask yourself which emotion you as the parent experience in reaction to your child’s behaviour. And secondly, ask yourself, “How is my child responding to my attempts at correcting them?”.
Note: Learning to view your child’s misbehaviour through this lens will require some practice as it means you will be paying attention to the results of the conduct instead of focusing on the misbehaviour itself.
First and foremost, children misbehave in a bid for attention.
Since children depend on their parents for survival, all children feel safer and happier when their parents pay attention to them and spend time with them. Children prefer to gain attention in useful ways, but if that doesn’t seem to work well, many will settle for negative attention over receiving none at all.
In 3- to 5-year-olds, intentionally being naughty is usually a bid for attention. So is asking a parent to do something that they could easily do independently. For example, asking you to dress them when they’re perfectly capable of doing it without assistance.
Children of this age also frequently show that they need attention by being clingy or interrupting parents with questions whenever they’re having a conversation in-person or on the phone.
Question 1: Which emotion arises in me as the parent?
You can take it as a sign that you’re dealing with attention-seeking when your first response is feeling annoyed. This will almost always lead to you coaxing your child and reminding them of what they are supposed to do. In other words, you will be paying attention to them.
Question 2: How does my child respond to correction?
Later, your child will most likely repeat the act or do something else to elicit a response from you.
How to help the attention-seeking child.
The solution is to demonstrate that significance and belonging can be achieved through useful contributions instead of useless bids for attention.
Here are a few tips for getting this message across:
1) When the motivation behind acting up is to get your attention, it makes sense to either ignore the misbehaviour or pay attention to it in unexpected ways. You can, for example, direct your child’s attention elsewhere by ignoring the misbehaviour, making eye contact and
talking to them about something they’re interested in instead (put your phone away.) You can also remind them of the next time the two of you will be spending quality one-on-one time together and talk about what you will be doing (stick to your promise).
2) If attention-seeking behaviour pops up regularly, try to get into the habit of unexpectedly catching your child doing something right and praising them for that.
3) Don’t respond by showering your child with attention when they joke around inappropriately, even though this type of behaviour may seem less negative as being needy or downright disobedient. Many children feel they only belong when they have “centre-stage”. For these children, the solution is to let them know they’re always in your heart. You can, for instance, unexpectedly invite your child to help you do something that they will enjoy, or initiate playing a game of “I spy” in the car.
4) Psychotherapist Olesya Leskel writes that, in her experience, the most effective way to help children who need attention is to give undivided attention to them for a certain amount of time at a specific time every day. For example, you can commit to playing with your child for 10 to 15 minutes after dinner every evening.2
Children also misbehave to gain a sense of power.
When attention-seeking children have given up trying to get more attention they reach the point where they seek power. They try to gain control over their environment to feel a sense of significance. They’ve become defiant.
Question 1: Which emotion arises in me as the parent?
When a child is defiant, parents feel angry and provoked.
Question 2: How does my child respond to correction?
When children reach this stage, they no longer stop when parents respond to their misbehaviour. Instead, they engage in a power struggle with them by saying things like: “Try stopping me” or “You can’t force me”. Many parents report that, at this point, when they do succeed in getting their child to comply, the victory is only temporary. The child may stop temporarily, but then continues with more intensity. Alternatively, they do what they are told, but not in a way the parents want it done. This is called “defiant compliance” and it makes parents feel as if they’re winning the argument but losing the relationship.
How to help the power-seeking child.
As a rule, when dealing with power-seeking children, adults are advised to refrain from getting angry, disengage themselves from the power struggle, and focus on establishing an emotional connection with the child. Using power tactics to counter children’s bids for power only impresses them with the value of power and increases their desire for it.
Note: Consider getting support from a therapist at this point. If the struggle for power continues and your child eventually realises they cannot win the power struggle, the desire for power may make way for feelings of revenge or a desperate display of inadequacy.
Bear in mind that there is always an element of discouragement present when children misbehave.
This is the case when they are seeking attention or power as described above, as well as when their ability to control their behaviour is impaired by a neurodevelopmental issue like ADHD or autism. These children need extra encouragement and connection to help them discover that they, too, can make a valuable contribution.
There are four basic ingredients for building positive relationships with discouraged children.
1. Demonstrate mutual respect. Make sure your child sees that you’re not only expecting them to speak nicely and treat you with respect – you will go out of your way to do the same for them.
2. Provide encouragement. To encourage a child practically translates into “giving them courage”. To do this, eliminate all criticism and focus, instead, on the child’s strengths and any effort to improve, no matter how small it seems.
3. Communicate love. If you haven’t yet, find out what your child’s love
language is by reading more about love languages online.
4. Make time for fun. When we relax with our children and simply have fun together, we communicate to them that we enjoy having them
around. What’s more, pleasurable activities release dopamine in our brains which counteracts feelings of hopelessness and stress.
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Ogilvy September 2022 References:
1. Nissan L. The Four Mistaken Goals of Children’s Misbehaviour – Diagnosis and Remediation [Internet]. Psychotherapyinstitute.com. [cited 11 August 2022]. Available from: http://www.psychotherapyinstitute.com/uploads/2/1/8/4/21841328/th efourmistakengoalsofchildren.pdf
2. Leskel O. Kids’ Secret Messages: Understanding Your Child’s Negative Behaviors [Internet]. Nashville Psych. [cited 11 August 2022]. Available from: https://www.nashvillepsych.com/kids-secret-messages- understanding-your-childs-negative-behaviors/
3. Yadrick, M. Food and Nutrient Delivery: Diet Guidelines, Nutrient Standards, and Cultural Competence In: Mahan LK, Raymond JL (eds). KRAUSE’S FOOD & THE NUTRITION CARE PROCESS 14th Edition. Elsevier; 2017. p. 173 – 190.
